“If sweetness is excessive, it is no longer sweetness.” African proverb
How many times have we found ourselves in a situation where events in our life are taking their course seemingly outside of our control, where other people take advantage of us, where we do not have the courage to be clear enough with people?
Setting boundaries in our life is something that many of us struggle with. Just recently I was in a private situation where I was determined to set a boundary with somebody and then found myself not doing it. I am using the expression ‘found myself’, as it best depicts the feeling of being overwhelmed and passive. It made me feel resentful inside, and physically I even experienced a sense of nausea.
As leaders and managers we equally find it difficult to set boundaries. From my work as a coach I feel it is one of the single most important challenges that leaders struggle with. They often find themselves systematically ‘dodging’ clear communication about the issues at hand or, if they do communicate them, may not use their authority to ensure things then change.
So what does it exactly mean to set boundaries? It means we clearly communicate to others what we expect, what is acceptable and not acceptable to us. It means that once we communicate it, we see it through. What this could look like depends on the situation. In a workplace, establishing boundaries could mean communicating clearly to a member of staff or a partner that a performance standard is not acceptable and why and what will happen if it does not improve. In the process we allow the other person to respond and we have a conversation. “Often we have private conversations with ourselves about what others should and should not do. But we never make overt and open requests to these people. Subsequently; when they don’t do what we expect, we’re disappointed, resentful, and angry. (…)’Shoulds’ and expectations give no possibility for negotiation, declining, and satisfaction.” ( Budd/ Rothstein, 2000, P. 143)
A friend or relative could be requesting something of us that we feel is exploiting our good will or is beyond what may be good for us or sustainable. Setting boundaries in such a situation means being clear with the person we are not able to meet the request and then sticking to it. Some of us perpetually say yes, leading to over commitment, burn out and unfulfilled promises. “…yes-sayers …end up doing a lot of things they don’t want to do. They lose their right to live life by their own standards and declarations. Ultimately they lose dignity and self-respect” (Budd, Rothstein, 2000, P. 147)
A coaching client I work with recently identified that when he says ‘no’ he tends to take his ‘no’ half way back by his tone of voice and by providing lengthy explanations and apologies. In this way he is giving the other person mixed messages.
So why is it so hard to do? Often it seems we are afraid to lose the relationships with colleagues or friends, or we are worried they will think badly of us. Telling somebody bad news causes us a lot of discomfort and we try to avoid it! The client of mine mentioned above is now working on getting over these hurdles and is practicing to give people an unambivalent ‘no’.
Ultimately, when we effectively set boundaries, we are honest with ourselves and others. We create clarity and our communication becomes cleaner. It may cause discomfort in the moment but avoids accumulating problems in the long run!
Reference: Budd, M., Rothstein, L., (200). You Are What You Say, New York, NY: Three Rivers Press