‘The one who complains much does little.’ Kenyan proverb
Driving in dense traffic and being stuck in traffic jams is one of the things I deeply dislike and try to avoid at all costs. Recently, however, I was faced with exactly that, as I had to start driving to town every morning. When I started these daily journeys I decided I had to adjust myself to the in my view aggressive driving style of drivers in Nairobi, as otherwise I would not be able to ‘assert’ myself and move from the spot. In the first two weeks my stress about the situation mounted daily. I felt as if in a battlefield, battling with my small car against the dominance of the big cars on the road.
At one point I thought I might get a heart attack from the stress this situation was creating for me …I went home in the evening and figured out the situation had to change! First of all I took my I-Pod into the car and started listening to music. Then I decided I was going to try a totally different approach to driving: courteous, considerate and calm. From that day onwards everything for me changed on the road: Other drivers give me way, I give them way, I have a great time listening to great music, and I curiously observe what’s going on around me. The change of my experience is almost magical. From hell to heaven!
I stopped being a victim of the perceived unreasonable behavior of everybody else which I had been copying in my attempt to fight it.
Let us admit that often we like to perceive ourselves as the victims of other people, the circumstances or past events which have shaped us. Being a victim gives us a sense of relief of not having to take responsibility for something and of shifting that responsibility onto others. It gives us a sense of being justifiably powerless and at the same time powerful, as we resist what others are ‘doing to us’. It gives us a sense of being righteous and clean.
It gives us a reason for not having to look deeply inside ourselves and change something that might need changing to shift a situation. Being a victim can be a big comfort zone.
And yet: “Victims can’t enjoy life. They are too busy feeling sorry for themselves, feeling powerless, being martyrs, worrying, complaining, seeing the dark side of life, appreciating nothing, and blaming everyone…..As a result, we cop out of the responsibility for taking charge of our lives.” (Jeffers, 2005, P. 93) Susan Jeffers recommends we pick up the mirror to look at ourselves and realize that “we – not our society or our parents or anything out there – are the creators of our own experiences of life. We learn that we are responsible for our reactions to whatever life hands us.” (Jeffers, 2005, P. 94)
Shifting ourselves out of the victim narrative is an essential leadership competence. Truly, things don’t always happen the way they should or the way we like. Truly, other people may not always be reasonable, make mistakes, may have prejudices or are not taking into account our reality and our best interest. And yet: As a leader we must be able to realize what we are contributing to a situation and how it is perpetuating it. For situations we cannot influence, we must realise we are not helping ourselves by creating frustration and unhappiness about something we do not have control over.
As a leader we must be able to change ourselves before anybody else changes. We must be able to accept those things we cannot control and focus on what we can influence. We must be able to model this proactive behaviour to people we work with and ask them to work with the same mindset.
This is what makes a leader effective and infinitely resourceful: Rising above being a victim and taking responsibility for whatever we are dealing with. If we do this, things we have never thought of will start happening …like aggressive, powerful drivers in big cars giving us way ….
Reference: Jeffers, S.,(2005). End the Struggle and Dance with Life, Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton