‘A healthy ear can tolerate hearing sick words’ Senegalese proverb
Let us not take anything personally: This rule is an open secret … and one that can change a lot of things for us. People may be gossiping about us, rumors may be flying, somebody may insult us badly, somebody may not appreciate us sufficiently … If we stop taking things personally, we become immune to all this. We tend to relate things to ourselves that have nothing to do with us and are purely related to the story of another person. We tend to take in the ‘garbage’ of other people, make it our own and then replicate it over and over in our minds, multiplying our suffering. A leader who stops taking things personally will free up his mind from much anxiety and release energy for other things.
When people criticize us or something we have done, when they talk about our team, our family or anything we think concerns us, we tend to take it personally, relating it to ourselves. We do this because we tend to place ourselves in the center, with everything revolving around us. “During our period of education, or our domestication, we learn to take things personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me!” (Ruiz, 1997, P. 48)
Other people say and do things because of themselves, not because of us. They live in their own story that is based on their own views, experiences, feelings and beliefs. It is something they have created. “All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.” (Ruiz, 1997, P.48) Even if others insult us, they are still dealing with their own issues, their own anger, their own frustrations and other emotions they have. It is about them! If they send us an insult, a ‘poison’, and we take it personally, it means we agree to take it in and to make it ours, letting it enter into our system. Soon we will feel similar emotions – we feel angry, disappointed or even depressed.
As we take the ‘poison’ in, we tend to blame the other person who we feel is doing something to us. We abdicate responsibility for getting hurt. In reality we get hurt because of ourselves, because of the stories we create about it and the fears we have which permeate what we feel others are saying. We would not get hurt or angry if it wasn’t for own fear. We tend to project our own issues onto others and our environment as much as others do that when they criticize or insult us and even when they praise us.
Some time ago I had a coaching client who took everything personally. As soon as anything came up in a meeting that had to do with her or with the functioning of her team, she reacted to it, became defensive and started to hit back. She was aware of her behavior but still continued to react. It was a behavior pattern she had acquired due to fear and issues of self-confidence. Once she acknowledged to herself the fear, became more aware of her own feelings and started to affirm herself in a non-judgmental way, she started changing. It takes some effort to do this of cause and a lot of commitment! But is it not worth it?
“Don’t take anything personally because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing. Humans are addicted to suffering at different levels and to different degrees, and we support each other in maintaining these addictions…There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally ….” (Ruiz, 1997, P. 56 -59).
As leaders we are frequently exposed to comments and feedback from others. Colleagues are likely to talk about us. Not taking things personally does not mean not listening or not reflecting seriously on feedback. It just means responding to it constructively and if appropriate learning from it and taking responsibility for improving or changing ourselves – without feeling hurt. It also means being able to hear sick words without getting sick in turn …
References: Ruiz, D.M., (1997). The Four Agreements, San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing