“The heart of a wise person lies quiet like limpid water” ― Cameroonian proverb
In early January on my return from a break I went to a cash point of a bank I do not myself bank with. My card was swallowed for no apparent reason. I had just been away for several weeks, had hardly any cash on me, no fresh food at home and it was a Sunday afternoon. The bank which operates the cash point was closed. The customer service I called informed me that my card would be destroyed, not even considering an apology. I could feel the sensation of anger climbing up through my chest and had to focus on staying calm and centered, using the few hundred shillings I had on me to buy vegetables for a couple of meals. Further calls to the customer service the next day did not progress my issue. I felt resentful towards the bank who did not express any responsibility.
In the end l decided let go of my righteousness towards the bank. The thought of being right only generated negativity inside myself and made me feel bad! And it certainly did not advance the issue of recovering the card.
“I’ve seen people willing to die rather than let go of being right. I’ve seen people end otherwise beautiful relationships by sticking to their need to be right. I urge you to let go of this ego-driven need to be right by stopping yourself in the middle of an argument and asking yourself, Do I want to be right or be happy?” (Dyer, 2010, P. 89)
How many times each day do we choose to be right rather than be happy? We feel that somebody or some circumstances wronged us in some way or holds the wrong perceptions. We feel the other party is selfish, uncaring, negligent, incompetent, stubborn in their beliefs, and refusing to listen and see the truth.
Do you have some beliefs you feel strongly about around which you keep clashing with some members of your family or acquaintances, each party asserting their viewpoints, going in circles?
It is not worth it. When I was talking to the various representatives of the bank, I felt a strong urge to let them know that their customer service was poor and their processes unacceptable. There was, however, no room for negotiation to recover the card and any further utterances to assert that they were plain wrong would not have achieved anything. When I focussed my energy on solving the situation with my own bank to get a new card issued, they set me up on mobile banking so that I could access cash from my account immediately. Not being ready to see any good in the situation, I jumped to the conclusion that it would be complicated. However, my initial reluctance turned into astonishment I had not used this great feature till now. The situation enabled me to find out about it. It is already saving me time in my personal administration. As we will all have experienced, most challenges have a positive in them and at the very least there is something in it for us to learn!
When we want to be right, it is our ego that seeks approval. It becomes all-consuming and takes over our thought process to an extent that we might be sleepless as we are thinking about the arguments in our favour, acting out imaginary conversations. Eventually this self -talk erodes our own power and the blame we place on others renders us virtually incapacitated. Our energy becomes trapped in this imaginary lawsuit. By blaming the other we erode our power because we are saying to ourselves and the universe that we can only be happy if the other person changes their behaviour, if the circumstances change in a particular way or if others approve of us being right. We take away our freedom to be happy, independent of other people and circumstances, and to feel love for ourselves and others unconditionally.
What’s the connection with being a leader? Leadership is an act of leading ourselves, leading others or leading with others. When we are focussed on winning the argument and feeling right, we allow our mind to be dominated by ego and we disconnect from the quality of the relationship with other people. We disconnect from our purpose and intention to serve others and the cause we are working for.
When we release the need for winning or proving something, we can allow kindness to prevail, making conversations more trusting and effective, and we free up our thinking process to focus on truly advancing the situation at hand. We may see new things which in our pursuit of righteousness we may have been blind to. It does not mean we do not put forward our point of view or our ideas to challenge or influence what might be wrong or destructive. It means once we have released our point of view, we let others decide what to do with it and we move on, in peace, with our heart quiet like limpid water.
Reference: W. Dyer, W. (2010). The Power of Intention. Learning to co-create your world your way, Hay House UK